Asking For Help
More and more these days it seems we humans struggle to ask anyone else for help. Is it because we have grown more dependent on our phones and pay services than a neighbour or friend or because we don’t want to appear needy or to be inconveniencing others?
In an era that seems to encourage dropping out of any relationship that doesn’t bring us joy, fulfillment and encouragement at each moment, I understand that asking for help can feel a bit spooky - after all you are a bit vulnerable and you may worry that you are risking being “edited” out of someone else’s life dare you need a hand every now and again. The irony about worrying about asking for help for fear of losing a relationship is that in fact, our ability to open up and allow others the opportunity to help can actually make the relationship stronger. Certainly there are toxic relationships and it’s important to not take advantage of others or be taken advantage of, but the real relationships withstand asking for help so if you worry you might get “edited” out of someones life, perhaps they aren’t really “your people” anyways. We are encouraged to have compassion for ourselves and others on difficult days, so we must not forget that it is unreasonable to expect all relationships will only entail good times.
Our fear of asking for help may also come from a place of not wanting to “burden” someone with our request. While there are many apps than can replace the help of a neighbour, friend or family member, we should try to make sure these services aren’t our default. If you need a ride somewhere (at a normal hour of the day or night), before you immediately hop on and order yourself an Uber, think if there is someone in your “real life” you might be able to ask for a lift. Now for the guilt of “burdening”, let’s kibosh that. Believe it or not, sometimes people are more burdened by the fact that you needed help and didn’t ask them than they would have been if you had! In general, it feels good to help someone out and depending on what you need or what you are sharing, it may be a signal to the other person how much you trust them and the strength of your relationship. You too might also feel you are flattered when someone confides in you and allows you the opportunity to help them through a difficult time or with a quick favour.
You don’t need to come out guns blazing and end up asking for so much help that you find your relationships become co-dependant in an unhealthy way. But asking for a hand when you need it helps strengthen bonds in relationships, can help create new ones, and can help to foster a sense of community - something so many places are lacking these days. Think about what your request is and think of how you would feel if your friend or neighbour had the same need and didn’t ask you. Would you think they were silly that they felt it might inconvenience you and perhaps be a bit annoyed that they went to great lengths to not ask you for help? If so then you’re probably safe to fire away and it’s just your self-confidence and irrational independence getting in the way.
On a much deeper level than asking a neighbour or friend for a favour, is confiding in others when you are struggling. There has been much work done on shining the light on the importance of discussing mental health concerns before it’s too late, but we still have a long ways to go. For this one you probably would be wise to be more selective about who you open up to, but there are always people around who are ready and willing to listen and not use your struggles against you down the road. Silence is not likely to help you out of the woods on that one so it’s important to confide in a trusted friend, family member or professional.
So while technology has strived to create a world of convenience and self-reliance, before you default to technology to help you, start by looking up from your phone and see who is around you. Working together and helping each other makes us all stronger - don’t deprive others of the opportunity.